Trigger warning- baby loss.
A little back story, I’m not a touchy person, people talk of love languages and mine is certainly not touch.
Summer of 2022, when I saw those two lines on a pregnancy test, and started planning, breastfeeding was a big no no.
Come the Autumn everything changed, I became 1 in 4, I experienced a Missed (silent) miscarriage. I hadn’t even heard of the term, “missed”, but my baby was “unviable” but my body didn’t recognise the loss.
I felt as if not only did my body fail my baby, it failed me by being silent. Little did I know that’s the moment when my perspective changed.
Fast forward a few months, I’m lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy, my midwife asks me about my feeding plans, I pause to think as I hadn’t thought about it this time due to the anxiety of what if it happens again. Much to my surprise, “I’d like to breastfeed” came right out of my mouth.
To my partner, family and friends, it was a shock that I was planning to breastfeed. Everyone including me, thought I’d be touched out and wouldn’t be able to continue. Get some formula in just case it gets too much I heard on repeat.
I’ve always said to people I only do it because I didn’t want to spend my days sterilising bottles, but that’s a total lie. The truth is, I breastfeed because I could not shake the feeling that my body failed me.
I’m almost a year into our feeding journey. There has been tough moments, but I haven’t got touched out despite someone doing acrobatics whilst latched, morning, noon and night. But it’s been magical.
I’ve just this week returned to full time work, to a bottle refusing pickle, who only have the good stuff straight from the source.
The uncertainty of how this will shape our journey is unknown but I’m thankfully everyday that it allowed me to pass on antibodies to my daughter and helped me heal the relationship with my body.
If you’re worried that you or someone you know are struggling to cope after a miscarriage please talk to a GP. They will be able to help you get the support you need locally.
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